Greg, over at The New Dork Review Of Books came up with a brilliant idea last week. He posted his "Wanted" list, his top 5 literary nemeses and the reason why he's not a fan of those people. Let me follow up on Greg's lead today and pour some oil on the fire of my grudges. I'm speaking with more metaphors than a Cherokee war chief today. So here are the eternal targets of my literary hatred and the reasons behind my first-shaking anger. I also invite you to do the same (and link to Greg in the into. Because he's awesome and all).
5-James Joyce
I don't HATE Joyce per se, but the disproportionate reach of his legacy is annoying. The man was a linguist damn it. He loves the English language more than he loves to tell a story. I recognized he changed the landscape of literature and his heritage gave place to all sorts of interesting fiction, but he was a boring storyteller, obsessed with his hometown. He's a writer you can spend your life without reading, if you're not an English major.
4-James Patterson
Patterson would be a great marketing consultant for a lawnmower company. He would sell the shit out of those lawnmowers. Unfortunately, what he sells is his "artistic output". According to him, he's not an author, per so, but more of a "storyteller". He's neither. He sells novels that aren't literature. His characters are flat, his plots are a mish-mash of everything fashionable and he mass produces like Danielle Steele on a cocaine binge. Everything he does it good, except he writes bad stories. I wouldn't mind it to much if his name wasn't all over the walls of my bookstore. I can understand why some people like him, but I can't see any serious reader giving him any attention. He's a literary McDonald's. Read fast and forgotten fast.
3-James Frey
I assure you, this is just a coincidence. I do not systematically hate every writer names James. In fact, if he wouldn't be running that writing sweat shop, I would say he was a douche for the cause. Just the fact that he kept writing and kept being somewhat of a celebrity despite Oprah's whipping is empowering writers. Unfortunately, the only person James seeks to empower is himself. He's looking to drain young talent of their creativity, write some garbage stories and make a quick buck. I can't get behind that.
2-Stephenie Meyer
I try to be open minded. I have watched some of the Harry Potter movies and kind of got what the appeal was. I'm no Potter-ite but I wouldn't mind my son reading it. But THIS has absolutely no appeal to me. Her novels are masturbation and a poor example for young girls. I mean, it's something parents should be deliberately angry at. According to Mrs. Meyer, it's OK to have an abusive boyfriend as long as he's chiseled and has amber-colored eyes. She needs to dwindle into obscurity. I'm sure she will, once the whole "vampires-are-sexy" fad is going to fade out. And that will be a good day for women around the world.
1-Paulo Coelho
Paulo Coelho is a man of many mysteries. How did he got past the editing assistants? Why was he translated in so many language? Why does he even sell at all? He is the worse writer with the most success I know. His stories are didactic, judgmental, simplistic and somewhat Christian. He feeds out of fear, loneliness and confusion. Literally. All he does is pat lonely people on the shoulder, telling him they're going to be OK if they believe in God and buy his novel. He is the favorite writers of people who don't like to read and the favorite thinker of those who are afraid to think. My dearest wish is for him to have a literary showdown with a better writers who will call him out on his bullshit. David Foster Wallace would've been perfect for the task, but now the task is up for grabs.
