This is a sudden decision, to participate to Alex J. Cavanaugh's WORST MOVIES EVER blogfest, but I do it anyways. Alex is a good guy and I got quite a few vintage goodies to offer. Maybe not a top ten, but movies you want to be sure to avoid, because I would qualify them of "ütter shite". Here they are for you, in no particular order...
TOUT VA BIEN - 1972 (Directed by: Jean-Luc Godard, Jean-Pierre Gorin): I know Godard has some good movies to his credit, but if you even pretend to like this one, you're a jerkoff. And don't get me wrong, this movie has a lot of fans that delude themselves into thinking they liked it. It's a somewhat politicized piece of art-house about some workers in a slaughterhouse or something. I droned through it, prayed it would end and finally fall asleep about fifty minutes in. It's like Chinese water torture.
THE IDIOTS - 1998 (Directed by: Lars Von Trier): What the fuck is wrong with you, Lars Von Trier? I mean, DANCER IN THE DARK was all right, DOGVILLE was breathtaking but this? THIS? What the fuck is that movie even about? Douchebags, unleashing their "inner idiots". More like inner retard, yeah. It's not funny, it's not arthouse, it's not anything. Fuck YOU and your dogma bullshit, Lars Von Trier. I had to watch this movie at my college mediatheque and was subjected to this horrible retard gang bang scene on a public monitor.
THE WICKER MAN - 1973 (Directed by: Robin Hardy): This should have never been remade in the first place? I mean, why is that even cult? All there is to this movie is a perfectly happy community of Pagan people, dancing naked in the wilderness and a strungout cop busting doors and starting every sentence by: "IN THE NAME OF THE LORD, JESUS CHRIST..." It's funny for about five minutes, than you start praying the lord he'd shut up.
THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE - 2009 (Directed by: Tom Six): Is it scary? No. Is it disgusting? Not really. Is it engrossing, the way a medico-legal thriller would? Fuck no. I cannot find a single redeeming value to this movie. It's the soul holder of Dead End Follies' worse review score with a whopping 1%. Read my review for more information
SAW II - 2005 (Directed by: Darren Lynn Bousman): I know you're supposed to watch SAW films for the creative traps, but this one was so badly written, I have to put it on the list. If the protagonist wasn't the worse irritable-bowel-syndrome-suffering-idiot-written-on-a-restaurant-napkin character, his problems would have been resolved in five minutes. Literally. How can you root for a hero who's been put in danger because he's a shitty human being? You can't.
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HOUSE OF THE DEAD - 2003 (Directed by: Uwe Boll): This was a fairly easy video game to adapt to the big screen and yet infamous director Uwe Boll fucked it up, because he tried to sold it to your teenagers. Shooting zombies, how hard can it really get? Instead we have unsympathetic kids, a desert island and a shitty video game gimmick that really jars us out of viewing.
SILENT HILL - 2006 (Directed by: Christophe Gans): I'm going to catch hell from the fanboys for this, but I don't care. I mean it's cool to have a SILENT HILL movie and all, but this is just stupid and it has nothing to do with the terrific storylines we were given in the games. They cast the perfect guy to play Harry Mason (Sean Bean) and sideline him to a useless part. The killer for me was that other useless character that just kept quoting the greatest hits of George W. Bush "You're with us or against us", "They are the evil ones",etc. Also, why is Silent Hill full of fucking people?
TRANSFORMERS - 2007 (Directed by: Michael Bay): CAMERA THAT SHAKES!!! SHIT THAT EXPLODES!! ROBOTS (hey was that Starscream? Wait, nevermind...)...THAT FIGHT. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? Seriously. The TRANSFORMERS trilogy can barely be called cinema. It's just a really shitty spin on a disaster movie, with robots and the dude from BLAIR WITCH PROJECT hired as a camera operator.
