October has been a pretty shitty month, creatively speaking. Part of it is my fault and part of it is just life that has been getting in the way. I wrote one (very good) short story and one chapter of my novel. Pretty unforgivable numbers, but at the image of my year in writing as a whole. Conflicted, dissatisfying, despite the few noticeable achievements. While in 2010, I hammered at my keyboard like a visionary madman and wrote a lot of shit, in 2011 I've been a little more self-conscious and by wanting to make things work, I have too often sat out to think things over and over again in my head.
It's all part of the learning process, I guess.
But why had October been so awful in particular? In late September, I wrote about three novel chapters, had the idea for Lowell Sweeney and wrote the first story (which has recently been accepted for publication, as you may know). That's a huge productivity peak I had for about ten days. Then came October and the fight card I organized on the fifteenth. I spent the first half of the month devoured by stress and fearing for my sanity in the last streak. But it's been ten days already since then. I've written my OFF THE RECORD story in that time (which I think you will like), but other than that? Complete blank.
For me, writing non-fiction and fiction are really two different things. While I could write non-fiction on the floor of a moving bus, covered in mustard and stacked in between two giant pieces of bread, I can't write fiction in the same conditions. Not good fiction anyway. For that I need winning conditions. Silence, focus, the right idea and that intangible groove you get into when you found the right angle to write from. Having all those elements on your side is possible, but it's very fragile. It's like being in a soap bubble. Once you're in there, you can't move, can't talk, can't listen to music, can't look away. I just keep on writing or the bubble is going to burst and I'll have to start it all over again.
When the world becomes a gust of wind, bubbles don't do very well. Now I have to figure out how to build a bubble machine or how to turn my writing spot into a dodgeball. Very cute allegories, but it's up to me to turn this into tangible realities. See you next Tuesday.