When I write, I end up spending half of my time checking YouTube videos. I'm such a soulful guy, I can't really function without music for inspiration. Literally, I'm so connected to my emotions and in tune with the universe, I consider myself just a channel for the beautiful things that go through me. I'm taking inspiration wherever I can and try to channel it and create beautiful things. The last thing I found to seek beauty from is internet comments. The Great Overmind of the Internet has its own way to mix anonymity and depersonalization to make it so unique. Here's what I've learned from it.
1. Always insult your reader's intelligence from the get go. Always.
There no better way to hook your reader than to state your intellectual superiority right off the bat. This way, you will hit the reader's self-esteem and self-esteem is the headquarters of strong emotions, right? Right?
Here's an example:
What you said was incredibly stupid and ignorant. You clearly don't know your facts.
This is a more rational approach, in case you're looking to sucker your reader into a long, heated debate about something that's not really important. Because what truly matters is the music of your words, right? Giving the reader access to the melody inside your head.
If you're looking for more of a quick fire argument, you can always use:
OMG, you're kidding, right? You must be kidding.
This highlights the fact that your reader/argument buddy's opinion must be ironic or straight up stupid. In case the subtlety of this approach you can always fall back on:
You don't understand Jamie McCaboose's message, you dumb fuck. Leave the comments section to his true fanbase.
This is a surefire way of putting your readers in a quiet awe of your spectacular prose.
2. Never show any critical distance from your subject.
This is flawless logic. Your favorite artists are a part of you. They built the core of your being and will forever be a part of your identity. Critical distance (which is a myth anyway) only creates distance in between you and those terrific songs you like and makes you a traitor to your favorite singers. Do you want to be that person? No? Then defend your emotional attachments with utter disregard for your reader/argument buddy's points.
Example:
Man, I don't care if Nirvana were there before Jamie McCaboose. He touches peoples heart with his songs. How many people can you touch every week? He's trying to make the world a better place by singing about pain, girlfriend, pain and vintage WWF wrestlers. The fuck d'you know about this, anyway? He's as great a recording artist as everything you love. He's probably better since you're such an awful, awful person for disliking him.
See what I did here. I completely disregarded the argument and claimed my life-affirming loyalty to my recording artist, completely dismissing anything that ever happened before because I clearly never listened to anything beyond the radio before Jamie McCaboose started singing about pain. Oh and I completely deny that Nirvana had a direct influence on my favorite artist's music. If I don't know them, they don't exist. Jamie's genius materialized out of thin air.
3. If you're the rational type, hide your emotional attachment in over-analysis and length
It's not everybody that's up front and connected with their emotional core like I am. But don't worry, I have a plan for you. If your mind works more than your head, you can be awfully, awfully lengthy and create arguments so lengthy, needlessly detailed and complex, nobody will read all of it and therefore the physical object that you created in the comments section will forever be an imprint of your victory and awesomeness. Because you can explain everything with science and logic. Oh and use a lot of adverbs. They are aggressive and great.
Example:
It baffles me that you don't seem to understand that the beauty of Jamie McCaboose's music lies in the lyrical hermeneutics. The man is truly a genius that revolutionized the pop-emo-industrial-dance music's form as well as its content. If you take the beautifully darkened song "Baby, I cut both of my eyelids off for you", the song starts with a pained "Baby EEEE EEEE EEE Baby EEE EEE EEEE" which is clearly an allusion to the cry of pain he makes when he's sawing his eyelids off for his dead girlfriend, so he can see her all the time, but keep his eyes opened and keep it real too. It sets the done for the dual temporality in the song.
blabhlahbhblahblahblahblahblahblahblah (Insert eight to twelve lengthy paragraphs deconstructing the song here)
And in conclusion, I must add that whoever fails to notice the brilliant, revolutionary lyrical and musical hermeneutics of Jamie McCaboose's songs. Should have their genitals removed from their body and exposed to a burning sun, while they die watching their own innards rot. Anybody who fails to see my logic here, please re-read my brilliant and quirky post
Beautiful, isn't it?
4. If all else fails, revert back to #1 and pack as many threats and logical fallacies in there as you can.
Because that fucking guy laid a turd on your territory, right? Lay one on his day and run away from the discussion thread. This way it's a 100% sure win.
WELL YOU DON'T SING, MISTER. DON'T YOU? DON'T SHIT ON SINGERS IF YOU DON'T SING. YOU HOMOSEXUAL, YOU'RE JEALOUS BECAUSE JAMIE GETS LAID WITH BEAUTIFUL GIRLS. LOL! FUCK YOU AND I HOPE YOU HAVE A BRAIN ANEURYSM WHILE DRIVING YOUR CAR ON THE HIGHWAY DURING RUSH HOUR. JAMIE MCCABOOSE FOR LIFE. I WOULD TOTALLY HAVE SEX WITH YOU. GUYS, I FOUND THIS HATER'S PHONE NUMBER, LET'S GET HIM FIRED FROM HIS JOB. IF YOU CAN'T LOVE JAMIE MCCABOOSE, YOU MUST DISAPPEAR.
Here's an example:
What you said was incredibly stupid and ignorant. You clearly don't know your facts.
This is a more rational approach, in case you're looking to sucker your reader into a long, heated debate about something that's not really important. Because what truly matters is the music of your words, right? Giving the reader access to the melody inside your head.
If you're looking for more of a quick fire argument, you can always use:
OMG, you're kidding, right? You must be kidding.
This highlights the fact that your reader/argument buddy's opinion must be ironic or straight up stupid. In case the subtlety of this approach you can always fall back on:
You don't understand Jamie McCaboose's message, you dumb fuck. Leave the comments section to his true fanbase.
This is a surefire way of putting your readers in a quiet awe of your spectacular prose.
2. Never show any critical distance from your subject.
This is flawless logic. Your favorite artists are a part of you. They built the core of your being and will forever be a part of your identity. Critical distance (which is a myth anyway) only creates distance in between you and those terrific songs you like and makes you a traitor to your favorite singers. Do you want to be that person? No? Then defend your emotional attachments with utter disregard for your reader/argument buddy's points.
Example:
Man, I don't care if Nirvana were there before Jamie McCaboose. He touches peoples heart with his songs. How many people can you touch every week? He's trying to make the world a better place by singing about pain, girlfriend, pain and vintage WWF wrestlers. The fuck d'you know about this, anyway? He's as great a recording artist as everything you love. He's probably better since you're such an awful, awful person for disliking him.
See what I did here. I completely disregarded the argument and claimed my life-affirming loyalty to my recording artist, completely dismissing anything that ever happened before because I clearly never listened to anything beyond the radio before Jamie McCaboose started singing about pain. Oh and I completely deny that Nirvana had a direct influence on my favorite artist's music. If I don't know them, they don't exist. Jamie's genius materialized out of thin air.
3. If you're the rational type, hide your emotional attachment in over-analysis and length
It's not everybody that's up front and connected with their emotional core like I am. But don't worry, I have a plan for you. If your mind works more than your head, you can be awfully, awfully lengthy and create arguments so lengthy, needlessly detailed and complex, nobody will read all of it and therefore the physical object that you created in the comments section will forever be an imprint of your victory and awesomeness. Because you can explain everything with science and logic. Oh and use a lot of adverbs. They are aggressive and great.
Example:
It baffles me that you don't seem to understand that the beauty of Jamie McCaboose's music lies in the lyrical hermeneutics. The man is truly a genius that revolutionized the pop-emo-industrial-dance music's form as well as its content. If you take the beautifully darkened song "Baby, I cut both of my eyelids off for you", the song starts with a pained "Baby EEEE EEEE EEE Baby EEE EEE EEEE" which is clearly an allusion to the cry of pain he makes when he's sawing his eyelids off for his dead girlfriend, so he can see her all the time, but keep his eyes opened and keep it real too. It sets the done for the dual temporality in the song.
blabhlahbhblahblahblahblahblahblahblah (Insert eight to twelve lengthy paragraphs deconstructing the song here)
And in conclusion, I must add that whoever fails to notice the brilliant, revolutionary lyrical and musical hermeneutics of Jamie McCaboose's songs. Should have their genitals removed from their body and exposed to a burning sun, while they die watching their own innards rot. Anybody who fails to see my logic here, please re-read my brilliant and quirky post
Beautiful, isn't it?
4. If all else fails, revert back to #1 and pack as many threats and logical fallacies in there as you can.
Because that fucking guy laid a turd on your territory, right? Lay one on his day and run away from the discussion thread. This way it's a 100% sure win.
WELL YOU DON'T SING, MISTER. DON'T YOU? DON'T SHIT ON SINGERS IF YOU DON'T SING. YOU HOMOSEXUAL, YOU'RE JEALOUS BECAUSE JAMIE GETS LAID WITH BEAUTIFUL GIRLS. LOL! FUCK YOU AND I HOPE YOU HAVE A BRAIN ANEURYSM WHILE DRIVING YOUR CAR ON THE HIGHWAY DURING RUSH HOUR. JAMIE MCCABOOSE FOR LIFE. I WOULD TOTALLY HAVE SEX WITH YOU. GUYS, I FOUND THIS HATER'S PHONE NUMBER, LET'S GET HIM FIRED FROM HIS JOB. IF YOU CAN'T LOVE JAMIE MCCABOOSE, YOU MUST DISAPPEAR.