My polite distaste for superheroes goes a long way back. I don't hate them, but I just don't feel anything special for them, and the harder Hollywood tries to make me love them, the less I feel. It's just that comic books are such a complicated, expensive and demanding hobby to have. I remember other kids at school driving me insane because their mom would buy them new releases before mine would and they'd spoil storylines by discussing them in front of me, like they were sharing the secrets of the universe.
Fuck these guys.
My viewing of AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON reminded me of these dweebs I used to deal with, who would tell me complicated stories about characters I barely knew, trying to make me understand greater truths I couldn't possibly fathom because I was too fucking late in the series. I haven't picked up a comic book in close to twenty years, but I remember enjoying the first Avengers movie enough. This sequel is Marvel's is as coherent as the Ludovico Technique, except it doesn't have any brain reprogramming side effects. My polite distaste for superheroes is still strong. Perphaps more than ever.
I'd try to summarize the movie for you, but I'd lie if I said I really understood what the fuck was going on for a second. I'll do my best, though. So, the movie opens with the six Avengers from the first movie battling some guy in the forest, because some nazi dude has Loki's scepter. Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) and Bruce Banner (Mark Ruffalo) want to use the scepter in order to boost a defense program we previously knew nothing about, yet end up creating some kind of electronic body-snatching monster. Then everything explodes for the next two hours. Seriously, it's as good as I can put it. Joss Whedon tore a page out of Zack Snyder's playbook on that one. Oh yeah, Don Cheadle shows up at some point, but I don't know who he plays or what his purpose is.
Part of what made THE AVENGERS such an anticipated movie is that it was patiently brought up through several individual movies over at least 5 years. We knew who the characters were and why it mattered that they succeeded. In AGE OF ULTRON, director Joss Whedon decided to throw that winning formula out the window and make a movie for the comic book nerds. Only he forgot that they are the most irrational and demanding fan base on the face of the Earth. So, the result is not pretty: way too many characters a poorly defined bad guy who doesn't really have ambitions outside of being mean because he was engineered from the walking cane of someone who was mean to begin with. It was not meant for non-initiates to appreciate, to say the least.
Pictured above: the romance that made the internet explode.
I'm not sure why people took offense at the Bruce Banner and Black Widow romance, to be honest. * It's an aspect of the movie that was way too scrutinized by the media and the fans alike. Some people were upset she had a prince charming, others thought she had a thing going with Hawkeye because of a necklace she wore in CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER. Except Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) turned out to be married to Linda Cardellini in AGE OF ULTRON. I thought it was cute, but definitely superfluous. Joss Whedon obviously loves the character. She's the only one he gave compelling development to, exposing key parts of he childhood. She didn't need a romance to be interesting. This is a Hollywood cliché. It's also sexist to think there needs to be a romance if there is a chick involved, but I can't say I'm going to fault a summer blockbuster for not being progressive.
AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON was a poor, misdirected sequel to one of the great mainstream moviemaking projects in recent years. It's not like I'm breaking any news here, we're in July and the movie came out in May. What I think you need to know is that AGE OF ULTRON doesn't respect the patient and democratic approach that made it a big deal for comic book fans and non-initiates alike when it was first announced. It's a long, winded and pointless movie that reminded me of Zack Snyder's long and winded series of pointless explosions. The characters don't have any breathing room, the action goes in every direction, yet it somehow ends up neatly packaged at the end, and the screenplay relies on the most gimmicky aspect of the characters in order to get through the slow scenes. I don't like to be that categorical when reviewing a movie, but AGE OF ULTRON is kind of a waste of time for comic books non-initiates.
* It's not spoilers. It's just a tiny, insignificant subplot that doesn't go anywhere satisfying.