Things I Hate About Your Social Media Presence

Hey Author,

So you've been told for six or seven years now that you NEED to have a social media presence if you want to sell books. I get it. It probably hasn't worked out so well for you if you're reading this. I get it too. I've already explained what you should do maximize your efforts on social media, so I thought we should tackle what you do that makes me NOT want to buy your novels. Because there's a lot of stuff. Today we're going to tackle some technical, aesthetic and ethical stuff that's been bugging me for a while, but expect more pieces like this as YOU invent new frustrations for me and I provide the solution in order to help you sell some fucking books.

Problem #1 - You Amazon links are ugly

They look a little bit like that and they're making me miserable. Long, gangly URLs with a shitty thumbnail to go with it because Amazon and Facebook are rival companies and Facebook WANTS to make your posts ugly if you're using their platform to sell. Not only it is visual pollution, but if you're posting them I will know instantly you're trying to sell me something and I will shut the fuck down. If you have an author page, it's possible to customize the thumbnail (use 1200x628 format for optimal display). Even Amazon does it on Facebook. What do you do if you don't have an author page though?

Solution 

Screeching Weasel's aesthetic might not be for you, but you get the point. I'd rather see a series of great book covers on my newsfeed than tiny, scrunchy Amazon thumbnails that give away the post's intent before I even take a good look at it. Use this site to shorten the URL for free so that it looks cleaner and you'll get a Facebook post worthy of people's attention span. People might've told you that this format gets less reach than click-through links, which is true but for PROFESSIONAL PAGES ONLY. As far as your timeline is concerned your potential reach is your number of friends multiplied by the number of interactions, because Facebook does not count you as someone who's trying to make money off them. So, anything goes.

Alternate Solution

I really liked what Perpetual Motion Machine Publishing did to promote an event they did in the trail of Bob Pastorella's book launch. Clean, professional, yet intimate-looking photo of the author signing books along with a promotional, yet personable text. Save for that gangly Amazon link at the end, this is a perfect post. Naked Amazon links are ugly and lazy. They're not going to work automatically unless you're Chuck Palahniuk and people are eagerly expecting your next book. Dress your shit up. Make it look nice. Don't shitpost on my newsfeed and expect me to eat it. It's an insult to my intelligence.

Problem #2 - Your memes are vapid.

You know what they fucking look like:

There was another one a couple months ago circulating that claimed: other authors are not competition or some bullshit like that. Look, meme like that state common sense. I'm not disagreeing with anything they're stating. But what are you expecting to change by carpet bombing the shit out of everybody's newsfeed with the SAME EXACT FUCKING IMAGE? Are you going to change non-readers into readers by the power of memes? Are you going to make every twelve people that bought your book because you share an image saying it would help you pay for groceries? Are other authors going to believe what you're saying because you talk through the words of somebody else? Give me a fucking break. You're better than that.

Solution

How about you start posting reviews yourself, you fucking chump? And I'm not talking about the virtual blow jobs you're leaving your friends on Goodreads, but real fucking reviews that demonstrate you've actually read the book and formed coherent thoughts about it. How about you take of your time and promote other author's stuff on your own social media channels if you like what they do? If Stephen King himself is doing it, I believe you can spare the time and effort to write COHERENT and ENGAGING material about literature you think should be read. Sometimes it's not more than a Tweet. Don't tell people what to do with fucking memes and hope that your world will change. It's lazy and it's unbecoming. Be the change you wish to see in the world, Ghandi said. So, don't suck.

Problem #3 - You are boring

This is a quirky one, because social media can drain the meaning out of just anything with its jackhammer-like repetition mechanism. Customize your newsfeed all you want, you're always going to be prey to what Facebook wants you to read about.

For example: The American Presidential Campaign, which is tearing America up between Bernie Sanders supporters who claim to be the only people in the world who are educated and Donald Trump supporters who don't seem to exist among my group of friend, yet I'm sure they exist and they're even more annoying. Look, I get it. It's important for you not to have Donald Trump for president and you want to broadcast your message to your circle of friends and readers. Do it once. Maybe I will hide it and not see your next book post. Maybe I won't. Position yourself on the issue once and let it go. Don't get into political arguments, don't start them and please don't tell anyone that they're uneducated morons because they plan to vote for Donald Trump. Plenty of educated morons plan to do it too.

Why?

Marketing is not about getting what you want, it's about giving your audience what they want. If you have to convince people to buy your book, don't start by alienating them with long and rambling political posts. Politics and religion are the biggest source of arguments since forever and you don't want to antagonize strangers who you want to sell your books too.

Solution

What should you post then? It's up for you to decide how to be unique and interesting, buuuuttt.....

I really fell in love with the Facebook feed of Brazilian author Pedro Proença this year. It's really fucking strange. Pedro shares mysterious, wordless selfies taken with a phone camera (as pictured above) and the most baffling memes you'll see on the internet. I'm sure the entire thing is a cipher that reveals the secrets of the universe.

How does that help you selling books? Well, you tell me:

Here's my receipt if some of you think Pedro slipped me a digital copy under the table. I bought it with my own damn money. That Facebook feed made me curious about what such a mind could come up with. Obviously bizarro is a niche genre and I'm an overzealous reader, but I'm sure you get the point. Be unique and you'll find your audience. Make us look at the world through your goggles and Jesus Christ, don't fucking yap about the same thing than everybody else. Facebook is a Brand Awareness platform. It's not build to directly funnel sales and it's not going to let you unless you pay the big bucks. It's a soapbox that allow you to be the most interesting guy on the block and if you can achieve THAT, people are going to start paying attention to the books.

So let's recap:

1. Dress up your Amazon links if you want people not to ignore them.

2. Stop moralizing people with memes, do what the meme says yourself and shut your mouth. 

3. Be interesting, for fuck's sake. Remember that consistency is key and that things don't changer overnight. Be ALWAYS interesting. If you don't think you can, shut your mouth between interesting spells.

That's it for today folks and remember that I scold you because I love you and I believe in a better world where I care about your books and Mestre Proença is actually President of the United States.